Warm Me Up
by BarthVader
Summary: There's a blizzard outside, and Kankers have ran out of fuel for their furnace. What do they do? Convince the Eds to bring them some, of course! But they aren't that eager to go out either... (no shipping, no rants)


**A/N: Pardon my Polish, but kurwa mać_._**

**Apparently the second semester of Informatics requires some effort compared to the first one, and I had very little time to actually write something. I realize this isn't what I promised in my dA post back in February, but still, it's better than nothing, amirite?**

**I'd like to thank a certain Italian fanboy of mine, who kept me motivated enough to sit through it.**

**printf("I don't own anything./n"); **

**Also, this is officially my first fic without any jabs at the fandom tropes/cliches. I'm growing as a writer.**

"Global warming." Eddy muttered. "Rrrrrrright."

He and Ed were looking at the weather outside through the Edd's house's kitchen window. The heavy blizzard was limiting the visibility to one's arm's reach. Blowing wind was giving the impression of snowflakes moving horizontally, and everything was covered with a thick layer of white powder.

"Do you think we've been attacked by the Liquid Helium Aliens from planet Neptune?" the tall boy asked his friend.

"No, lummox, I think _it's winter_ and things like that happen durin' that season." He turned towards the third person, preparing something on the counter opposite him. "Hey, Sockhead, what's with the hot chocolate?"

"Almost done, gentlemen!" The host topped three mugs of hot drinks with a bit of whipped cream and handed two of them to Ed and Eddy, glancing through the window. "Good Lord, the weather's getting worse with every minute." he muttered. "Hopefully the precipitation will soon end."

The short boy grabbed his mug and took a sip, slowly processing what Edd had just said.

"Don't tie your sock in a knot." he replied after a moment. "What's the worst thing that could happen?"

"Well, we could end up cut off from the outside world, with no food, drinks or electricity..."

"Wait wait wait," the short boy interrupted him, "dontcha have three days of emergency rations and a full fridge?"

"Um... yeah..." Edd stammered.

"And an emergency generator you've built last spring outta boredom?"

"Yeah..."

"And a buncha board games to pass the time?"

"Yeah..."

The short boy embraced his friend with one arm. "Then stop worrying your pretty lil' head with stuff like this."

"But... what about the others?" Edd asked. "Our neighbors might have difficulties dealing with such extreme conditions!"

The short boy let out a groan. "Who are we, their nannies? 'Sides, as far as I know, only our parents are that in-it..." he turned towards the fourth wall. "Prompter!"

**Irresponsible.**

"...what-the-bold-letters-said enough to leave us alone and go on holiday."

Noticing that the worried look on his smart friend's face didn't disappear, the boy rolled his eyes and muttered:

"Will it calm you down if we call everyone on the bloody street and ask 'em how they feel?"

"A-a bit." Edd stammered.

Eddy sighed and pulled out his cell phone. "'Kay, if that will make ya fell better... Geez..."

Ed looked at the sky, covered by the dark gray clouds.

"It's the Helium Aliens, I tell ya." he muttered.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a certain trailer in a certain park, two sisters were sitting on a couch, hugging each other, wearing two coats each and wrapped in several blankets, while the third one, dressed in a similar manner, was tampering with the old furnace standing in the corner.

"L-lee, we're t-t-turning into human p-popsicles!" Marie said, her teeth chattering. "C-Can't you just stoke up?"

"I'd love to," she replied, "but we're running outta fuel." She stepped away, showing a few rotted planks lying next to the furnace. "That's all we got for now. Ma promised to bring something when she'll be returnin' from work."

"C-couldn't she call in sick or somethin'?" May joined the discussion.

"They would've kicked her out if she got to the work five minutes late, let alone took a day off. Let's hear if for unqualified workers' rights." Lee muttered.

"A-a-and when she's returning?" the middle Kanker asked.

The redhead glanced at the table hanging on the wall. "Today her shift ends at... twenty-two hundred."

"10 PM?!" The bluenette's head briefly popped from under the coverlets, only to hide a moment after, shaking. "We'll f-f-freeze to death here!"

"Well spotted, field marshal observant." the ringleader deadpanned.

"W-what do we do?" the youngest sister asked.

The redhead snickered. "Burn Marie's gay porn collection."

"It's ya-yaoi, and I'll break both your arms if ya touch my stash!" the owner growled.

"I'm kidding, calm yo' tits." Lee raised her hands. "But seriously, someone'll need to bring us fuel."

"C-congrats May, you just got volunteered!" Marie threw May from under the coverlets.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." the eldest sister interrupted. "I ain't gonna let you out there in a weather like this. And I ain't leavin' myself."

"Then how are we supposed to get something to stoke up the fire?!" the middle Kanker burst out.

The redhead pulled out a cell phone from her pocket.

"We'll get someone to bring it here." she replied, dialing a number.

* * *

"...okay, that's the last one." Eddy hid his phone in his pocket. "Nazz and Kevin are at Rolf's, Sarah's at Jimmy's, and Johnny is on holidays with his old ones. Ya happy now, Samaritan?"

"Quite so." Edd replied. "But you must admit, Eddy, making sure that all our friends are safe must have brought you some relief."

Eddy groaned "Sockhead, Sockhead, Sockhead..."

Suddenly, a ringtone played from the short boy's pocket.

"_Rape me... / Rape me, my friend... / Rape me..._"

Without pulling the phone out, he rejected the call and turned to his friends.

"How 'bout a game of Monopoly?"

"Who was that, Eddy?" Ed ignored the suggestion.

"No one." he shrugged. "Dibs on the top hat."

The ringtone played again. The short boy pulled out his phone, rejected the call, and put it on vibrate.

"Eddy," the hatted boy crossed his arms, "someone is trying to reach you. Given the circumstances, it could be a person in need. Who was that?"

Instead of replying, the boy put the display in front of his friend's face.

"Lee Kanker. 2 missed calls." Edd read the notifications out loud, moving the device away. "Well..." he went on, less confident. "...even despite our, ahem, past encounters, we could at least listen to what she wants to say."

The phone buzzed for the third time. Eddy tossed it to his friend, annoyed. "Alright, Mother Teresa. But you're talking."

The slender boy, his hand slightly shaking, as if the girls were about to jump from the screen, picked up the call and put the phone to his ear.

"H-hello. Lee." he said. "Eddward, Double-D speaking, Eddy is currently unable to answer the phone."

"Hi." the girl replied. "I need fuel for my furnace."

The boy raised an eyebrow. "...I must admit, your creativity regarding innuendos is impressive."

"Wha- this ain't an innuendo!" Lee replied. "We have a furnace, we ran outta wood, and we're cold! Bring us some fuel!"

Edd heard May saying something in the background.

"'Kay, don't fret, don't fret. _Please _bring us some fuel." she repeated.

"Well, I'd suggest discussing this with my companions. I'm turning on the loudspeaker." The boy did so and pointed the phone at his friends. "Lee politely requested delivery of combustibles for her furnace. And in fact, I do have some biomass briquette in my basement-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second." Eddy interrupted him. "So, ya expect us to go out in minus bajillion degrees, bring a metric crapton of fuel to your trailer, then get covered in kisses, and get thrown out without our clothes. Amirite?"

"Up to the 'to your trailer' part."

"Four words, sweetheart:" the boy said through his teeth, "over my dead body."

"He called me a sweetheart!" the redhead faux-gushed over the phone. "Seriously though," she returned to the normal tone, "I'm beggin' you guys. It's cold in here, we need help, our ma's at work, we have, like, four planks left..."

"Pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease..." May and Marie started chanting in the background.

Eddy groaned. "Have some dignity, women!"

Edd scratched his head. "What do you think, gentlemen? It'd be unethical to leave them in need."

Ed shrugged. "On the one hand, Kankers bad for Ed, but on the other, Double D's right, we can't leave them alone."

The short boy rubbed his temples and groaned, annoyed. "Alright, fine."

"Well," Lee spat, "if you put it like this, fu-" she stopped. "..wait, did ya just agree?"

"Yep." the short Ed replied. "We'll bring you some of that bri-whatever Sockhead has."

"Woo-hoo." the girl replied, showing mild enthusiasm.

"Under one condition."

"As long as it won't bump the fic's rating to MA, we're doin' it."

"You will leave us alone for six months."

After Eddy had said that, all three girls remained silent for a few seconds.

"Four words, sweetheart:" Lee echoed after a moment, "One week. Nothing more."

"Six months."

"Ten days."

"_Six months._"

"Two weeks."

"_Six. Months._"

"You're kinda missin' the point of negotiatin', y'know."

"No," the short boy replied, "you're missin' the point. And that point is: I ain't the one gettin' hibernated. I might stay here and sip hot chocolate, watchin' the blizzard from a heated up room."

Lee let out a loud sigh. The fact that she could see her breath made her slightly nervous.

"Three months." she said, resigned. "And the whole deal stays on the QT. We've got a reputation to maintain."

Eddy glanced at his friends, who silently nodded.

"Deal."

"Sweet. And hu-" Again, May said something in the background. "..._please_ hurry up, 'kay?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, just give us a moment to prepare." Eddy muttered.

After that, the girl hung up. Edd gave the phone back to its owner.

"How much of this bri-tee-tee-tee you have?" the short boy asked.

"Fifteen packs, twenty pounds each. Two-three of them should last for a day, if one isn't stoking the fire too much."

"Ed grabs three, and we get one each." Eddy grinned "We bring 'em to the Park'n'Flush, and we're free from those pesky Kankers!"

"For a quarter of a year." the thin boy pointed out.

His friend gave him a blank stare.

"...why do you always have to ruin the moment, Double D?"

Edd facepalmed. "Whatever. Let's fetch the briquette and prepare to leave."

* * *

"Gentlemen, are you ready?" the middle Ed asked, putting on a thick jacket, earmuffs, and a loaded backpack.

"Yeah, yeah, almost." His short friend was zipping his coat and wrapping a scarf around his neck. He was also wearing a rucksack, with a pack of fuel sticking out from it. The third boy was already prepared, with all the winter clothes already on him and a few packs of briquette strapped to his back with a rope. All three of them were standing on the corridor, ready to go out.

"Okay, here it goes..." Edd reached for the knob, but then Ed suddenly boomed out:

"Ding!"

A light bulb appeared over the tall boy's head. It blinked a few times, then burned out. The boy looked up.

"Darn."

He 'unscrewed' the bulb and tossed it away. Then, he pulled out a new one from his jacket's pocket and placed it slightly above his head. It lit up with a faint light.

"Where was I... oh, right. Ding!"

"No!" Eddy shouted. "No, no, no, no, no effin' way!" He tried to reach the bulb, but the height difference made it impossible. "The last time you had an idea, we ended up with no cash and an ancient curse!"

"But Eddy, this one's good!" Ed tried to defend his concept. "We can give the girls the bri-thingie without even leaving the house!"

"Are ya deaf?" Eddy was as stubborn as ever. "I ain't interested in what you want to say-"

The conversation was interrupted by Edd opening the front door. A strong gust of wind blew in a huge amount of snow. After a few seconds, the slender boy had closed the door. His companions, covered from head to toe, resembled two poorly made snowmen.

"I think we should give Ed a chance to present his solution. As long as it doesn't involve painting Q or any other letter on the ground."

"No, no, no. Listen..."

The tall boy briefly explained his idea to his friends.

"...and whatcha think?"

Eddy looked at him. "That... actually, this ain't that bad of an idea. Though I doubt we can pull this off in a weather like this. Double D?"

But the smart boy was already scribbling something in a notepad. "If I can construct a mechanism that will allow me to control the..."

The short boy snapped his fingers the across his friend's face. "Earth to Sockhead!"

"Wha-" he jumped, "Eddy, you know that I hate when you do that!"

"Can ya pull this off, Archimedes?" he asked.

The smart boy returned to writing down the technical details. "I need about ten minutes."

* * *

"Well, we're officially outta fuel." Lee muttered, tossing the last plank into the furnace.

"The E-eds p-prolly took a peek through the window, did a one-eighty and started violatin' the nearest radiator." the blue-haired girl muttered, still wrapped in blankets.

"G-give 'em a chance, Marie." May stammered. "We c-called them ten m-m-minutes ago. T-they n-need time to prepare."

"_Trust me, I'm an engineer! / I think we'll put this thing right here..._"

Lee smiled. "Double D's callin'. Guess we're that irresistible." she chuckled, pulling the cell from her pocket.

"A-actually, wh-why do we have each other's phone numbers?" the blonde asked.

"Plot convenience. And excessive stalking." Lee picked up the call. "'Sup, 2-D. Where's the fuel?"

"Salutations Lee." the boy greeted her. "We are in the process of delivering you the briquette. Though I must ask you to do something right now."

The girl groaned. "What?"

"Not much. Just put on some warm clothes and stand in front of your trailer, please."

Nobody noticed that due to her fringe covering half of her face, but the girl raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"I need you to to verify something for me."

Lee sighed. "Alright, alright." She grabbed her coat from the hanger, put in on, and left the trailer, as the boy asked. The strong wind blew a huge amount of snow in her face.

"O-okay smartypants, I'm outside. So, what do I-"

She didn't finish, as something heavy had hit her in the head. Slightly disoriented and hissing in pain, she looked around for whoever could throw the projectile, while still holding the phone by her ear.

"Lee?" the boy piped.

"Hold on a sec, s-someone's throwing somethin' at me."

"Erm, that was me."

"What?!" she raised her voice.

"This was a test launch of a single piece of briquette."

The girl had looked down and noticed a small cube at her feet. She picked it up to reveal it was made out of pressed wood shavings.

"You see, we've decided it would be faster to launch the combustibles at your trailer." Edd explained. "I used an old invention of mine, a paper distributor to be precise, and made a few adjustments that would allow me to control it from inside of my house and..."

"Y-yeah, yeah, it's all cool, impressive a-and stuff," the redhead interrupted him, "but I can't do much with s-s-so little of this."

"Don't worry," she heard Eddy shouting over the phone, "you'll get some more!"

Slightly bothered by the short boy's playful tone, the girl raised her head and looked in the distance. Despite the horrible weather conditions, she was able to see a dozen or so projectiles, heading straight at her. As the realization had stricken her, she screamed:

"You _sons of bitches_!"

She barely had enough time to duck and cover before the first brick had hit her. Then another one. And another. And another. For the next seven seconds, Lee was under heavy fire from an improvised mortar launching pressed wood shavings cubes at her.

After the cavalcade had stopped, the girl slowly stood up, slightly dazed and bruised, and scanned around. She was surrounded by pieces of briquette, enough to survive a few more days.

"So," the girl heard Eddy's snickering, "how did ya like our delivery service?"

She put the phone back to her ear. "E-eat a male reproductive organ." Lee spat. "And send me the pics."

She heard a creak, and turned around to see Marie and May peeking from the trailer through the slightly ajar door.

"W-what h-h-happened, Lee?" the blue-haired girl asked. "It s-s-sounded like a f-f-frickin' airstrike!"

"Y'all p-pretty close." She hung up and hid the cell phone. "Now h-help me pick up all this stuff and stoke up the fire before it goes out."

**Pointless trivia: ****The ringtones were _Rape Me _by Nirvana and _Trust Me, I'm an Engineer _by some Russian guy. For a brief moment I also considered using Scoutelitte's _Surprise Buttsecks__, _but in the end, I thought it might imply something I don't want to imply.**


End file.
